Sucka

What I am about to post is real. The participants in this story are not actors but actual dopes and losers. Well just me I guess. Ok, so this has to be one of the most embarrassing 2 things that has ever happened to me. One is not so bad and the other is horrible. I am so embarrassed about what I am about to post but I think it is good to get out there.

Amy had a post a few weeks back about falling for a mini-scam thing with a fake email from Paypal asking for her to verify her information. This is what reminded me of my own loserness. Sorry to bring up old wounds Amy, if you had a cut I would be happy to pour lemon juice in it. What happened with that whole identity theft anyway?

So event #1 took place while I was at BYU for the year that I went to BYU. I got a call at my house when I was home from class. It was from a radio station promotions department saying I had won "the grand prize". I, of course, was very excited to get my prizes. They were explained to me and I only had to send in $49 or something to get them. This was much like the tax you might pay on a car that you win, even though you win a car you still have to pay the tax. This made sense to me and so like a bonehead I paid the money. I was excited to tell Josh that I was "the grand prize winner" of a contest I had not even entered. Josh had a field day with this information and as we met people over the next few weeks, he proceeded to explain to them how I had won "the grand prize". It is funny now but at the time I hated it. He would say to a total stranger, "Hey, did you hear the good news?" and they would say no. And he would say, "Shayne won the grand prize" and I would slump down in my seat or hide around the corner. Thanks a lot Josh.

I eventually received a coupon book in the mail, much like the local Dixie Direct book only not as good. I used a coupon or two but nothing near $49 worth.

So apparently I did not learn my lesson on that one when after Daisy and I were married and living in Houston I was eating at Whataburger and somehow came in contact with a scratch off game. I scratched off each of the 4 quadrants and guess what? They were all the same and I was the winner. All I had to do was call a 1-800 number and claim my prize. I did this and was told to come to a certain address on a Saturday for prize claiming.

Well, I go to this office which now that I look back on it was obviously another business Mon-Fri and this scam on the weekends. They have me sit in a room with about 15 other "winners", all smiling and happy. This is so embarrassing.

So we are herded into another room where we get to sit through a sales presentation. I can't remember at what point I knew I was being duped but the worst part about this story is I ended up paying a few hundred dollars to join this "club" which would get me discounts on anything from pots and pans to furniture. I am so dumb and so pissed again at the whole thing. I should have been so offended by the way that they got me in there and just walked out but I stayed and scratched them a check for their trouble.

Maybe the business is legit and I could save millions getting stuff through them but doing what I did there goes against every philosophy, every idea about money that I have. Well, this was lame and I hope I have learned my lesson this time but who knows with me. At least it has been 7 years or so. Knock on wood.

David Spade's Keg

Do you think anyone in the history of the world has ever aspired to have David Spade's body? Well I do. I got a gym membership this year and there for a month or 2 I was going all the time and enjoying it. But like everyone else in the free world I got out of the habit and it has been a month at least that I have not gone. I hate not going but going does not sound like much fun either.

I have started marathon training which for me means I run on Saturdays that I am not golfing (I have missed the last 2 Saturdays) and "try" to run two other days of the week. I usually run twice a week.

I saw this picture of David Spade the other day. I am not sure but I think that is almost exactly what I look like with my shirt off. I too have 10 hairs on my chest and a little tubby around the middle. The thing about David Spade that I like though is before I saw this picture, I could not have told you if he was skinny, ripped, or tubby like he is. When he is wearing clothes you really have no idea.

So instead of setting my sites so high like an idiot and shooting for Brad Pitt, why don't I just shoot for something attainable like David Spade? He is not a bad looking guy and no one would say he is morbidly obese for sure.

So that is what I aspire to be, an unknown. I want people to look at me and not know that I am fat, at least in their mind they might give me the benefit of the doubt. That is the same as having killer abs without all the work.

Shayne wins again.

Warning: Post is Rated PG-13 (or for those that know who the tooth fairy is)

So a few nights back we are having dinner and Parly, my oldest, is about to lose a tooth. She is talking about how she got $1 for the first 3 teeth she lost but her friend Halle got $5. I say that sometimes the tooth fairy has different amounts of money at different times or something lame like that. I can see the wheels turning in her head, she is no where near satisfied with my answer. She looks me right in the eyes and says, and I quote:

.... "are you guys just the tooth fairy and you were trying to save some money because you don't like to spend it?"

I could not help but smile about being ratted out like that and right when I smiled the gig was up. She asked over and over and I was changing the subject, her 3 younger sisters were right there as well. So I decide I am not going to lie to her, if she is old enough to figure it out on her own she is old enough to know the truth. So I get Daisy talking about something unrelated and pulled Parly into the other room and told her what was up and she was not too disspointed and seemed pretty excited that she was old enough to know the truth.

The best is that my cheapness ratted me out. My cheapness has always been so good to me.

Pretty Foots

This girl used to tell me that I had great feet and over time she convinced me that she was right all along. If you look at them the toes are a good length and width, not long, skinny, and nasty like fingers and not short and stuby like....... like..... my wife's toes? They are the perfect balance of still being manly but not too manly, there is barely any hair on them at all. There are some veins that make them look tough too though so you can tell they are man feet. Most men have Sasquatch feet. If you are a man and are shaving your feet down, that can't be good. (Speaking of Sasquatch, these ads are very funny).



I really thought about trying to be a foot model. At the time it was the mid 90's and Birkentstocks had taken the world by storm. I soon decided that A. I don't know how you go about being a foor model, sounds like a lot of work. And B. I don't treat my feet like a foot model would or should. I never wear shoes but to church and work, I love to go everywhere in just my bare feet. If a person could get paid for walking on black tar roads in the middle of summer in 110 degree heat then I would be set, the heat does not really phase the feet (a little poem). Yet my feet are still surprisingly soft. My feet never smell, they are as amazing as you are thinking that they are.



The only real problem with my feet is the toenails. My toenails are still very attractive but they are attached to my toe all the way up to the top of the toe. This may look great and attractive and prevent ingrown toenails but it also makes it so I can't cut my toenails too short or I will be into the skin in no time. My wife is constantly on me about cutting my toenails but they are attached so high and I can only cut them a little at a time and they grow out so quickly. I barely shower every other day, I refuse to cut my toenails more often than I shower.

So enjoy. If any of you know any foot model talent agents, please pass this picture on to them (notice the golf sock tan). Thanks.